Let Me Count The Ways…

Dedicated to Pete and Deb

Two Extraordinary People who Exemplify

The Depth and Substance of what it means to Love and be In-Love

Romance is dead… or so I’ve been told by many a woman disillusioned by the sad state of their intimate affairs. And that may very well be the case for the uninformed, or ill-advised on the subject of intimacy. However I’m inclined to attest to the contrary based on personal experience and first hand observations. Oh sure, I’ve had more than my share of amorous encounters go south for one reason or another. But that doesn’t detract from the fortuitous associations that have satisfactorily flourished to the mutual benefit of me, and the object of my affections. Yes, those that worked-out worked best because there was little work to work at. And yet given the necessity to engage an effort in the enterprise, it was more an expression of irresistible attraction than trying to make an impression.

Perhaps that’s what’s really missing in most relationships rather than the inclination for romance. A mismatch of mutual interests or understanding of who it is we find ourselves in the throws of passion with. C’mon who amongst us hasn’t at one time or another been swept up in the physical attraction of a person with whom we’ve been intimate, only to realize later that the commonalities betwixt us were slim at best. I know that’s a bit shallow, but let’s face it, we’re attracted to who we’re attracted to. And when it comes to the physical attributes that get our motors running it’s a biological boondoggle we have little control over. Now acting on those impulses, well… that’s a whole other matter.

You see, just because I like ice cream, doesn’t mean it ought to be on the menu whenever I want it. Oh sure, in its proper place and time it’s okay. But every day with every meal is taking it a bit too far. However, as a desert after a balanced meal separated by a reasonable period of time over the course of a week or two makes more sense health-wise. I’m sure you can see the practicality in that. And yet we all of us seem to loose our good senses from time to time with our choices on the intimacy menu. Going for what looks good, and tastes good too, even if it’s not good for you. This brings me back to the commonalities betwixt us, or our interpersonal compatibilities. Yes, physical attraction is important any idiot can see that, but that alone is not enough to build a binding relationship on, at least not one that will last. No, I’m not saying we ought to settle for someone less than we hoped for in our choice of an intimate partner. But there really ought to be more of a partnering than bedding mindset in the choice. Think about it… if you owned and operated a successful business enterprise, would you just open up your books and bank account to any sharp dressed dish that walked through your doors and hand over the keys along with an equal partnership without doing your due diligence in getting to know who that person is? Absolutely not! So why shortchange yourself in the most meaningful enterprise with which you’ve been entrusted, your heart and mind.

What am I saying; well… it’s nothing new simply that for there to be an irresistible attraction there ought to be some substance behind it and not just the libido. That’s right, I’m saying slowdown… I know in this fast-track world we live in where instant gratification is the mantra of the day that’s not going to win me any commendations. But then that’s not what this is about is it? Bottom-line… if you want romance that lasts and not that cheap “get in your pants” crap. You need to be sure the person you’re reading is on the same page and not just telling you what you want to hear. That takes time… and conversation, the exchanging of ideas and opinions, and not just that superficial seductive stuff that makes us feel good for the moment.

In my life, the relationships that have been the most meaningful have always been those that engaged the heart and the mind. Yes, there’s been a physical component in there too, but not to the exclusion or dismissal of the other. In fact, it’s always been to the contrary, the emotional and intellectual connection heightening the irresistible attraction in the physical component of the relationship. Which would stimulate the romantic inclinations that would otherwise lay dormant in my rather gruff and hardheaded nature.

Another “tell” to consider in you’re becoming aware of the person of interest in your life, is to measure the meaning in the moments you spend together. And I’m not just talking about the physicality of it, but that unspoken element. The unexplainable urge to be with one another. If the more time you spend with that person, the more time you want to spend with that person, and the more time that person wants to spend with you. Then there’s a good probability there are more possibilities for passion that will pass betwixt you, and I’m not just talking about the physical.

My Grandpa and Grandma were the perfect example of this. Gramps was a mountain of a man as I’ve mentioned on more than one occasion in my writing. At six feet four and a half inches he was an imposing figure with huge hands, while Grams was a petite woman, sturdy no doubt, but frail in comparison to Gramps. And yet, I would watch him after a hard days work in the fields of his beloved farm, where his gruff unpretentious and demanding demeanor kept my brothers and I in awe of his prowess… change at the very sight of our Grandma. In her presence he was kind, gentle, and genuinely interested in whatever she had to say. He adored her and vise-versa, and in spite of one another’s shortcomings, they built a life together that marveled the likes of my siblings and I. He was a man’s man, who wrote poetry to the woman he loved, played music for her, brought her flowers, and yes… still managed to test her patience with his stubborn views. Obviously, Gramps loved Grams right to the day he died, and never was shy about letting you know she was the Center Of His Universe.

Is romance dead? No… just not understood like it use to be. What do I mean? Well… it’s certainly not that silly stuff intended to impress or woo the witless to spend some time between the sheets. It’s more meaningful than that, it’s when you know the person your bedding and want to win her heart as though it were the first time you’d be engaging in carnal pleasures. Romance… real romance, is when you know all the quirks and shortcomings of your intended, and still yearn to tell her in word and deed that she’s the better part of you, and that you can’t get enough of her in the meager measurements of a twenty-four hour day. Sure, we men are often lacking in adequate means of expression in matters of the heart. But… it doesn’t take flowery speech, chocolates or candlelight to say what is intended, only honest intention. And ladies, if you don’t teach the man in your life what all of that means to you… Well, then perhaps you’ve missed the meaning of potential in passions possibilities. No, we can’t all be like Gramps; it’s just not in our nature. And we can be a bit thick at times… but even the worse of us can learn a thing or two.

As for the budgetary constraints of romance, there are none. All that’s needed is a little creativity coupled with common sense. My Daddy for all his flaws and unyielding demeanor was a hopeless romantic when it came to Mom. No, that was not a state of mind that negated the practicalities of being a parent and provider for his family. But when what needed being done was done, he did what came natural. For my siblings and me it was always a sight to behold. After supper had been served… we’d all settle into the living-room or what was then referred to as the parlor, where Daddy would break out his ‘ole guitar and begin to serenade his sweetheart while entertaining us.

Mom would join him in song, and we’d of course sing along… Yes these were simpler times, but with the budgetary constraints of providing for a wife and several children, this was one of his ways of keeping romance alive. Our home was also the meeting place for many years for most of Dad and Mom’s friends. This resulted in a bit more than a midnight jamboree, since we were the week-ends weigh-station for instrumental music, laughter and song. That also meant that when my Uncle Adrian was able, he and my Aunt Beverly would also come on over and join in the festivities. Uncle Adrian was not only a great vocalist, but he could play the guitar like nobody’s business. My Cousin Eddy was another of the exceptional talents we were privileged to encounter in our formative years.

All of these folks, family and friends alike knew how to enjoy life and make the most of the moments they were afforded. That meant couples brought their children, wives tended to meals and all had a good time all weekend long… including the children. Sure, hard times eventually fell on this happy-go-lucky group, and with the burdens that went with it, the crowd in due course dwindled to all but a few who met less frequently than preferred. But for a time… the better part of my childhood, my siblings and I got to see adults who made the most of what they had… to have a good time. And I can say from personal observation, that those who took part in these get-togethers were always the better for it, keeping romance alive in the simplicity of good company and song.

Now does that mean that with an effort as enthusiastic as what I’ve just described things will always work out in the end? Unfortunately, no… Case in point, after twenty-one years together my Parents divorced, a surprise too many, but no more than to us kids when we were told. What I can say though, is that’s just life. There are no perfect people. Sure, Mom and Dad remained the best of friends once they got past the initial trauma of separating. Not that it happened overnight, it took time. But they were eventually able to get past their past and enjoyed a fruitful friendship to the end.

I tell you this because there ought not to be any illusions about what makes a relationship work… sometimes its hard work to work past someone’s shortcomings. In the case of my parents, it was my Daddy’s inability to resist temptation. Try as he would, he strayed on more than one occasion from the sanctity of his marriage. Did he love Mom any less? No… he just lacked consistent control over his libido. This in turn broke Mom’s heart on more than one occasion. So why drudge this up for the entire world to see? Simple, to stress that even a man with the many admirable qualities my Daddy possessed, he too was flawed. Not beyond redemption despite some views, but beyond the wherewithal to sustain the marriage he’d hoped to last his lifetime. As an adult, Daddy and I talked about his infidelities on more than one occasion. He admitted plainly that his poor judgment and lack of self-control cost him the love of his life. But… he also stressed how profoundly grateful he was that he and Mom had worked past all that, to be able to regain the deep abiding friendship they’d shared before his wandering ways derailed his happy home.

Perhaps this is a warning to some, to consider what you risk when you wander outside the sanctity of the monogamous commitment you’ve made. Perhaps it’s a reminder of just how fragile the heart is, and ought to be handled with care. For me, it’s a humbling reminder of how even the best and most passionate of loves can end in heartache. But then I’ve also seen how both my Paternal and Maternal Grandparents loved there way through the good and bad patches of life, faithful to each other without regrets. And it is in all of this that I have come to know with certainty, that if you are of a mind to make a life with someone, no sacrifice is too great to make it a meaningful one. Which brings me back to “interpersonal compatibilities…” without which, you’re wasting one another’s time. Because for Romance to really gain momentum it requires a depth of devotion toward your intended. A devotion that recognizes the intangible something between you, that causes you to crave one another intellectually, emotionally and eventually with a good measure of satisfaction… physically. I know sex is the all-consuming tangible that gets our attention. But… that kind of intimacy ought to be the icing on the cake, not the main-course, the desert that we gravitate towards after the main-course. The main-course of course being “interpersonal compatibilities” expressed in the exchange of ideas, opinions, and emotional connections that extend beyond the physical realm.

Yes, I’ve come close to marriage a few times… and for reasons beyond the scope of this writing, it was not meant to be. However, I am quite aware of what it takes to make a meaningful relationship work. And with that, I also have an understanding of the limitations that exist between couples unwilling to compromise. As for the relationships that worked, they worked well because there was little to work at, while those that were taxing were promptly taken to account and discharged as an unsustainable loss. Now I would be less than honest if I gave you the impression that I’m not to blame for those relationships that came to a less than amicable conclusion. As in all affairs of the heart it takes two to make things meaningful, or messy. And I for one am not inclined to long abide a “high-maintenance” relationship, which tends to bring out my legendary cantankerous demeanor. A flawed man I am, no doubt about it. I tend to see things a particular way and lack the flexibility to long endure an oppositional view. So when I say a mutually well-defined “interpersonal connection” is crucial to a sustainable relationship wherein passion can be pursued and nourished, it is not only out of personal observations, but experience… that has brought me to this indisputable conclusion. Because hey, if a thick-headed guy like me can define terms that suite my willingness to “work” at a “relationship” then there’s something here we all of us can sink our teeth into and actually benefit from. And since working from the premise of “The Practical” verses “The Ideal” puts things into an actionable perspective the average individual can recognize and apply, it’s the sort of thing that ought to have us all paying attention to. So yes, I really do believe that “interpersonal compatibility” is fundamental to stirring-up the sustainable willingness to “work-at-relationships”, because it is in that “compatibility” the “work” ceases to be “work” and becomes a natural inclination to express affection one for the other…

Am I a difficult and opinionated person…? Yes, and in knowing this about myself… I know to be all the more cautious in matters of the heart, so as to avoid the unpleasantness of hurting someone unnecessarily. Let’s face it, even the best of us can misjudge a person at the onset of an intimate relationship, only to learn latter, we are both better off separating, rather than attempting to work through our differences. So how do we actually get it right? Well… that’s easier said than done. But then with the examples of my Grandparents, along with the many meaningful relationships I’m sure you’ve encountered in your lifetime. We all of us at whatever age, time or place, are all well suited to find that someone that makes the heart sing… and brings out the romantic inclinations that reside within…

Darling I love you, let me count the ways… When your list of longings for your intended exceeds any number of shortcomings you’ve become acquainted with, that’s a good indication you’ve stumbled upon something worth keeping. When your intellectual interactions stimulate a desire to engage in deeper more provocative topics than polite conversation allows, then you’ve encountered a mind worth interacting with. When your emotional connection on subjects of interest, personal pursuits, family values and moral imperatives incites the inclination to delve deeper into the motivations of the heart… you’ve discovered a heart worth pursuing. When your physical desire for intimate passionate expression consumes you, in or out of the company of your intended… you’ve come upon a truly valuable interpersonal treasure. When the more time you spend with that someone, the more time you want to spend with that someone, and the more that someone wants to spend with you… you have the makings of a meaningful relationship, worth all the risks and rewards that might entail. Love is a messy… but meaningful pursuit, worthy of our utmost efforts… it’s full of flaws and fun, tears and laughter, joys and pain… Love; is more than flowers and candy, more than dinner by candlelight, more than knowing what to say or saying it right… it’s the most meaningful pursuit in the human experience… it’s what motivates the expression… Darling I Love You… Let me count the ways… May you be among those counting and being counted…

Heart to Heart

Started off the night

Everything was right

Dinning that was fine

Candlelight and wine

Now we’re barefoot in the sand

Walking hand in hand

Moonlight in the sky

It’s just you and I

Thoughts and dreams revealed

Nothing more concealed

Heart to heart exchange

Our lives are sure to change

In each others eyes

We see passion no-surprise

Now it’s time to kiss

This is truly bliss

Sheltered from all harm

In each others arms

Passions now they burn

As boundaries are spurned

Intimate are we

Nothing we don’t see

Bodies are entwined

This moment is sublime

Stretched out in the sand

We lie breathless hand in hand

Gazing at the stars

Beyond Jupiter and Mars

Words fail to express

The love and tenderness

Soon I’m holding you again

Don’t want this night to end

Started off the night

Everything was right

Dinning that was fine

Candlelight and wine

Now we’re barefoot in the sand

Walking hand in hand

Moonlight in the sky

It’s just you and I

Moonlight in the sky

It’s just you and I…

. . . a Kiss

I hate the way I want you

It’s cruel the way I care

Not a moment passes by

I’m not wishing you were near

My job is like a prison

The hours are like chains

Breaking free your face to see

Is always on my brain

Never knew it could be anything like this

And to think that it all started with a kiss

Before Eve there was Adam

Thinking that he had it all

But one sweet kiss sent him into bliss

He couldn’t help but fall

The Garden of Eden

Was nevermore the same

They say the Fruit of Passion

Is where to place the blame

Poor Adam never knew

It could be anything like this

And to think that it all started

With a kiss

Romeo was doing fine

A young man in his prime

Then along came Juliet

One of a kind

He knew he had to have her

Passion did ensue

Turns out the fire of love

Consumed the two

But how was he to know

It could be anything like this

And to think that it all started

With a kiss

There’s no moral to my story

Just a truth so true

I had my act together

‘Til I met the likes of you

And if history’s any indication

Of the kind of mess I’m in

My hopes for breaking even

Cause I sure as hell can’t win

Consumed by your passion

Bewildered by your charm

There’s no hope of rescue

This fire’ a Four-Alarm

Never knew it could be anything like this

And to think that it all started with a kiss

Yea, to think that it all started with a kiss